Facing controversy and criticism in the wake of the firing of House Chaplain Patrick J. Conroy, Speaker Paul Ryan has decided to act quickly in naming Fr. Conroy's replacement. Contemplating the bust of Ayn Rand in his office, he came to an epiphany and made an inspired choice.
"I have decided to name Vice President Mike Pence the new Chaplain of the House, in fact, all of Congress," announced Ryan, in a hastily called press conference. "According to the Constitution, the Vice President only has two jobs: Senate vote tiebreaker, and waiting for the President to die. Mike has often privately expressed to me his frustration at not having enough to do. We need a chaplain. This is a win-win."
Congressional leaders lauded Mr. Pence's appointment as "a bold choice", noting that he will provide "the Christianity we need". They declined to elaborate as to what, exactly, they meant by that.
The Vice President was sworn in as the new Chaplain at dawn this morning, and went right to work, opening today's House session with one of his favorite prayers, Psalm 23H:
The Horse is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in grand stables: He leadeth me beside the strong stallions.He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of riding trails for His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no nothing: for Thou art with me; Thy hoofs and Thy loins they comfort me.
Surely Thy gallop and stride and cantor shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Horse forever.
The House members bowed their heads in reverence and ended with a robust "AMEN" at the close of the prayer.
Visiting the House this morning to welcome the new Chaplain, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed some concern about the prayer, hoping the Vice President's planned appearance at this weekend's Kentucky Derby will go without incident.
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